Since day 1 of writing this blog, as with the blog for Bella Faccia Photography, I have wanted to share honesty, inspiration, insight, optimism, photography, and the message that we are all connected. I believe that our personal experiences shape us in immeasurable ways; I also believe that we can be changed by the experiences of others…this is the primary reason I have chosen to start hosting guest blog posts.
The first ‘guest words’ for Bella Forza are Nikki’s. A month or so back I was honoured to be featured on oopoomoo.com’s “Inspirations” blog series (you can find it here: http://www.oopoomoo.com/tag/bella-forza) and Nikki commented on the post. I was touched by what she wrote and contacted her to see if she might be willing to share her story of ‘cancer and photography’ with us, and I’m so grateful that she said yes!
It takes courage to speak your truth, it takes courage x 10 to speak your truth on the web. What you’ll read of Nikki’s story is moving – both honest and funny.
Nikki, I thank you. My perspective is of a person whose loved ones have had Cancer diagnoses; it is with such gratitude to you that today I can share ‘first-person’ words that I know will inspire others. xo
Here are Nikki’s words…
While on a trip to the states in September 2009, my life path was altered forever. I had noticed my breast changing shape in the months previous but attributed that to my weight loss program (60 lbs). I even kidded with my husband, ‘”it’s my cancer breast”. Oh, foolish me. I had tried to look for a lump but never found anything, however the day before we returned home, I found the lump I had been searching months for. That was Thursday, on Saturday I was at the walk-in clinic. I was told I’d need my first mammogram and an ultrasound. After those tests they told me it was likely carcinogenic. Not words you want to hear, ever. After that, things started happening quickly with a biopsy and then more waiting for the results. I knew what they would be but I needed to hear it from the doctor. Finally, on October 2 (after pestering the clinic all week), I went in at noon with hubby to meet with the doctor. He told me it was breast cancer and that I had a long road ahead of me with a 2.2 cm tumor. I was able to keep it together until we got outside. The next couple days were spent telling our friends and family and getting ready for the next steps. Devastating news that no amount of preparing can prepare you for.
My way of coping was to lean on my love of photography. It gave me a purpose when I went to each test and exam. I brought my camera to take photos of the equipment and myself. I’m sure the techs thought I was crazy but they allowed me to take my photos. The next month was busy as I went for scans and other tests to find out if the cancer had spread to other organs. A very scary and lonely time. Both my parents had dementia so I was unable to share the news with them. Luckily hubby was there for me and some close friends and relatives. We had a pre-planned trip to Las Vegas for Oct 29-Nov 1 to celebrate a friend’s 21st birthday. It was a good time, but hard for me to truly enjoy as I knew on Nov 4 I would be having a mastectomy (I really hate that word!).
Knowing that my body would be changing in ways I could never imagine, I booked a professional portrait session (first one since our wedding years earlier!) in mid-October. I wanted a record of my waist-length hair, something I had grown for quite a long time. I’ve always wanted long hair as a little girl. Perhaps part of me also wanted photos for hubby of us together, if things didn’t turn out well. I also wanted photos of my breast, soon to be gone, so had hubby do the honors of taking those photos. I’ve always loved photography and I was determined to document every damn step of this journey.
After surgery, I found out the tumor was twice as large (5 cm), had spread to many lymph nodes and was quite advanced (Stage 3b). Every time I seen the doctor, the news seemed to be worse. I had about 8 weeks to recover before chemo began on December 29. Merry Christmas! I was scheduled for 6 treatments every 3 weeks. The day chemo began, I was there with my camera, to document every moment of this treatment. Especially the awful ‘red’ medicine which would take away my hair.
Shortly before my second chemo treatment, I decided to cut my hair to shoulder-length as it was falling out and in a knotted mess. I arranged a night to do it and had some close friends over. I was sure that I would be a hysterical mess. I had one of my friends make a braid so that I could save that. Then she was ready to do the chop, but I was feeling confident and suddenly wanted to cut it myself. Cancer was not going to make me weak and helpless! So she handed me the scissors and chop chop went my hair, about 23 inches of it. It was very freeing. Hubby videotaped the whole episode and we took several photos after of my short ‘do’. Surprising myself, I didn’t cry or feel emotional. It’s amazing how your body and brain allow you to cope with all these sudden life changes.
Chemo was its own challenge, but again I was not going to let cancer get the better of me. I was usually down for close to a week and then I would have a couple decent weeks before the next treatment. I would force myself to go on walks in the park area every day. Even though it was January/February and -20 most of the time, I still went and would take of photo of myself each day as I arrived at the half-way point. A way to say to myself, you’ve made it this far. A lot of people are confident enough to go out bald-headed during treatment but not me. There was no way I was going to allow people to give me the ‘pity’ look, no way! I had a lovely wig that was shoulder length that I wore with hats and scarves. Some people even thought it was my real hair. It was hard enough being the youngest person in the chemo room, there was no way I wanted people feeling sorry for me.
Once chemo finished, I was ready for my hair to return. On my last day of chemo, I finally shaved my head myself and removed the last few strands of hair that had hung in there. I figured if cancer wanted to take my hair, it had to come and get it as I wasn’t handing it over. I started photographing my eyelashes, eyebrows and hair. I would set up my camera and then get hubby to take the photos every week. I even had a ruler I would use on my head to show how long my hair was getting. I was obsessed that it grow the ½” per month that it was supposed to!
Radiation was the next hurdle that began in May in Calgary, which meant driving about 3 hours every day for a month. I could’ve stayed over but I wanted to be home every night in my own bed. Radiation was not going to alter my life! I drove on my own mostly and had friends and my sister come with me sometimes. For my first treatment, I insisted on the techs taking a photo of me on the machine. I’m sure they thought me mad! But they humored me. On the last day of radiation, June 9, 2010, I brought a cake for the techs and we took more photos to celebrate the wonderful day.
I’d like to say things have gone smoothly since, but no such luck. I developed lymphedema in my arm during chemo (a life-long condition). Last year I had my first reconstructive surgery and developed numerous blood clots on both lungs which made recovery a little harder. This past January was surgery #2 and it went great. I have one more to go before my reconstructive journey is over … so close!
Photography was an integral part of my entire journey. Not only was I able to document every test, appointment but also the loss of hair/breast and then the return of those which brought me full circle. It gave me a purpose, almost a distraction that allowed me to focus on the procedures and not stress/whine and complain about the symptoms. When you go through something like this, it’s helpful to have certain goals in mind. Mine was going to see Bon Jovi a month after radiation. Sounds silly but it helped me through chemo as I would think, I cannot allow chemo to delay anything as I have a tight timeline!
This is definitely a life changing journey, but I never wondered why me, I just focused on getting down to business and getting through it. Considering I was the person who would rarely see a doctor once a year and only for something serious, it’s been a big adjustment. I still don’t like going to the doctor but at least I’m around to go!
Thank you Lori, for allowing me the opportunity to share my story with your readers.